Heavy Heart.

My life goes on without much change.

I woke up to baby boys laughing or babbling to themselves or each other.  I get ready for work and we all eat breakfast.  I say goodbye and come home to happy, smiling faces.  I tuck The Nuggets in, say a prayer and just know they will be there in the morning.

I continually think of baby girl and her family.  I would say, about every few hours it pops into my mind again and I’m sad. We weren’t especially close to the Turners.  They are part of the other side of my family but it is still so heavy on my heart.  I definitely expect to get to know them better.  To integrate our families for all the support and prayers that can be given.

My nanny and I had a conversation regarding all of us attending a pediatric CPR and first aid training.  If not but to refresh us on what to do in a situation like that.  She and The Hubs all agreed it is something that goes on the calendar immediately.

If you are interested in taking a CPR/First Aid class The American Heart Association and American Red Cross host classes across the nation.  Look one up in your area.   Aside from these nationwide associations, local fire departments and hospitals often host these classes for minimal costs.  It’s worth it.  Knowledge is power and could be life saving.

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Can we all just say that Nationwide super bowl commercial sucked?  I hope they lose customers after that bull was aired.

I can also say, without a doubt, I don’t want to work full time anymore.  If you have read this blog at all, you’ll notice I battle back and forth….

“Do I “give up” a career I’ve been working towards since graduating from college?”  Or, “Am I a “bad mom” because I have to work to help support my family?” Then, “I’m a strong role model for my kids because I am a good mom and I work full time”.

None of those things are relevant to me anymore.  Are they true or not? Maybe, depending on your perspective but it’s not important to me what others think or if I take a step back in my progression of my career. When what’s truly the most important is my kids.  If I’m lucky, I’ll live to be 80.  I’ll raise my children, go back to work (one day), be successful (or not), earn a little bit of money and die surrounded by family and friends.  Not coworkers and not money.

This will definitely not happen immediately, and we will absolutely have to make some sacrifices but again, it’s all about what is important.

Please continue to send your prayers to Emma Kelli’s family.  If you would like to help financially with the astronomical costs of burying a loved one, please go here.

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No Words.

Last night The Hubs shared with me the most devastating news.

He didn’t get right to it, when he arrived home from work.  We were in the middle of bath time when he finally said, “Mom told me some super super sad news.”  He paused and I said, spit it out, what happened?!

A baby died.  Choked on food and was unable to be rescued in time.

The mommy is my age.  She and her husband went through the IVF process, a month before us.  Their sweet girl is exactly one month older than the Nuggets.

On this Thursday, she choked on a Cheeto puff.  It got lodged in her throat and the sitter couldn’t save her in time.  It’s something baby girl eats often. She goes to the baby sitter one day a week.   Sweet pea spends 75% of her week with her daddy. He is a paramedic fire fighter.

Next month she would have been 17 months old.

I have no words.

There is absolutely nothing that can be said, that can make it better.  Fix it.  To turn back time.  Thinking that God has a plan provides no comfort in a time like this.

I squeezed my boys so tight last night.  Tight enough that they were very irritated with me.  Nothing in life is guaranteed but I do not want to imagine going to bed, knowing they won’t be there in the morning.

I only met Emma Kelly once.  At Thanksgiving this past fall.  But I saw a future with the Nuggets and her growing up together.

All I can do, we can do, is pray for this sweet family. They must lean on God through this terrible tragedy, He is the only one that can hold them up.

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Boston Tragedy

I’m so frustrated.  I cannot understand these “random” acts of violence.  What on God’s green earth possesses someone to attempt to hurt innocent people in mass quantities?  During an event where people are most proud of themselves/family members because they are participating in a world renowned marathon.  Where the city itself is celebrating a holiday? I. Cannot. Understand.

Just like the Oklahoma bombing. Just like the Colorado shooting.  Just like the Connecticut children.  Just like the Boston Marathon.

I’m so sad too.  I’m not sure many of the runners were actually affected but the individuals in nearby buildings and near the finish line, there with excitement and cheering their loved ones on, are now battling with life altering injuries, deaths (even of an 8 year old child) and physcological pain that will change them forever.

Yet we don’t know why.  We don’t know who.  With reassurances from our president, we will find out.  We will deal with it to the fullest extent of the law.  These are the times where nothing that person has to say will make a difference to me.  This is when I want an eye for an eye. I don’t want justice.  I want revenge.

No trial or sentence (even if it’s the death penalty) is going to make me happy.  I want him/her/them to suffer.  Maybe lose a limb like so many have. That may not be a popular opinion but it’s mine.  I’m not a bad person that wishes harm on others, I just feel that it’s so unfair for the individual responsible to even be treated fairly.

With so many of these horrid events happening every year, I feel like we are taking a step backwards as a country.  This should happen here, in the good ol USA.  Right?  I cannot offer any solution either though.  There isn’t one.  We cannot, and probably never will, understand why these tragedys happen.  Mental health? Evil? Terrorists?  In a country of 300 million + it’s impossible to “control” everyone and we wouldn’t want to live like that anyways. 

It’s a sad day.  The video footage showed so much blood on the ground.  It could have been worse if the other two bombs had gone off.  I’m grateful there weren’t more casualties but I’m still very sad.  Prayers for all affected in/by the Boston bombings.