Approaching a Big Day

Retrieval day is on the horizon. 

I am now going to see Dr. Lee and his staff (shout out to Nina <– love her, best phlebotomist ever) every other day.  This is fun when you work full time and have to send a request to your boss that you need an hour off pretty much every morning.  My boss is actually is super understanding – I filled her in on what’s going on too.

So yesterday was an ultra sound day and there are lots of follicles in there doing what they are supposed to be doing.  I’m being stabbed three times an evening by my evil husband – no, not really evil.  He’s very awesome and helpful.  It’s easy to give yourself one shot because it’s pretty quick and the pain only lasts for a second but then knowing you have to do it two more times…I turn into a weenie.  This is where The Hubs comes in and helps me finish all the shots.  That’s love baby.

I will see the good doctor tomorrow, Monday and Tuesday and he estimates that Thursday will be the day.  The day they go take a bunch of eggs out.  Big stuff is happening!

In other news, we are house shopping.  I think I’ve mentioned that before but I’ve been officially resigned to living in the suburbs again.  This is a sad day for me.  I really want to live in the city.  But we’ve decided until I start big ball’n at work, we have to live in an area that has all the things we have on our wish list and a good school district.  Man, I sound like such a grown up.  Once we have our kiddo and I can re-commit to my career and advancing and of course, making more moola, I will get to pick (and support) where we live. Probably some place upscale since my taste usually ventures to the expensive. Sigh.

Never Ending Disappointment

Well that should clue you in that we are not pregnant. As usual.

I’m so tired.  I’m so frustrated.  I’m so sad.  I keep feeling like I’m the only one.  Which I know I’m not.  Hell, you could google “infertility blogs” and there are plenty out there talking about the same journey I’m on and I imagine there are 4567890 more people out there that don’t share their story with the world wide web.

I’m just having the damnedest time trying to stay positive.  Trying to remind myself that we aren’t truly at our last option (IVF) and that we can keep doing this.  Problem is, I cannot seem to convince myself to stay optimistic.

Change of subject: Ringing in the new year with some of my favorite people was such a good time.  We had a pretty big bump in our night when we arrived at the NYE Bash we bought $80 tickets for and couldn’t get out of a line.  Line to get in the place.  Line to check our coats.  Line to get a drink.  Line to get food.  We were there approximately an hour and never got out of line.  Hell the lines barely moved.  EventBrite were the hosts and I guess they contracted it out and it wasn’t taken care of as promised.  They are actually taking legal action and we are hopefully getting a refund! 

We relocated our group to the Uptown Pub and walked straight in, got drinks and a couple of tables.  We probably looked like idiots because we were cheering quite loudly to the bartender (Stephanie) because there was zero wait and we were totally over dressed.  Everyone there, about 20 people, seemed to feed off our energy because it was pretty quiet when we arrived but shortly thereafter, it was abuzz.  It turned out to be a wonderful New Years Eve.

The Hubs and I were also lucky to attend the 2013 Cotton Bowl with Texas A&M and Oklahoma University and it was a butt kicking.  The Hubs is A&M Alum and it’s been a great year to be a fan.  With the quarterback, Johnny Manziel, winning the Heisman (first freshman), an overall 11-2 season and winning the Cotton Bowl, it was just icing on the cake.

So next up on the agenda is a low key January (with another IUI treatment…I think) and sometime in February we are going to take a trip to Austin and SA. 

Happy 2013 Blog world!

Healthy but Unhappy

So the surgery last week went well.  I guess.

During the surgery they filled my tummy full of air so that all my guts and good stuff is moved around so the doctor could see everything.  I still have gas stuck in my abdomen, which is not fun.  It’s not exactly painful but it is super uncomfortable.  By today, day six, I was hoping it would be gone but nooooo, it’s there, sitting in my ribcage currently.

The Coppell/Iriving Surgery Center was pretty great.  All the people were nice and they were no nonsense, so we arrived, registered, admitted and into surgery by exactly 12:30 pm (our scheduled time).  I was home by 3:00 pm.  Bam. 

I was a little disappointed because the Hubs left to get something to eat while I was in surgery and in that 30 minute time frame, the doctor came out to talk to him.  He wasn’t there.  So I have to wait until my appointment next week to hear what is going on with me.  The good Dr. Le did take pictures while he was in there (ewwww) and the result is that I’m healthy.  There wasn’t much endometriosis which is good and bad.  Good because I’m healthy.  Bad because, again, no explanation as to why I cannot get knocked up.  This would also be why the surgery was super fast, there was really nothing to do but take a look.  Dr. Le wrote notes under each picture and only the left tube had slight endo that he removed but nothing that would have blocked the tube from working appropriately.

So needless to say, I’m bummed. As usual.  The next step is to try an IUI (intro uterine insemination)…my fav way to explain this to the Hubs is the “turkey baster process”.  Classy huh? 

So far since October since we’ve started working with Advanced Reproductive Center we’ve spent about $2000.  That is with insurance helping.  It’s also just the icing on the cake if we have to go all the way to IVF. 

Lately all I’ve been blogging about is this whole infertility process.  Shesh. My Thanksgiving was a blessed holiday with all my family and too much food.  Although, that awesome air bubble in my abdomen made it difficult to truly over eat.  I do not participate in Black Friday but my mom did so I got a new pair of boots for 50% off.  Thanks Mom. :o)

I will also add that I’m glad we are staying in North Texas for Christmas because the drive from Dallas to Houston is long and crowded.  I am thankful for the Hubs, my family and friends and all the riches I have in my life.  Every time I go to Dr. Le’s office there are all these pictures of beautiful little babies and I know each and every one of them were a struggle to conceive, so I try and remind myself that all hope isn’t lost.

Only 2 Months Left!

Hello 2012…Goodbye 2012.  What!?  Where has this year gone?  When I really stop and think about it, a LOT has happened this year but I guess the old saying stands true; time flies when you’re having fun ridiculously busy.  Don’t even talk to me about Christmas yet.

The Hubs and I celebrated our six year wedding anniversary over the past weekend.  We were both out of town (separately) so the previous weekend the Hubs set up dinner reservations at the restaurant Five-Sixty which is at the top of Reunion Tower.  Reference the Dallas skyline pic below — it’s the tower with the ball of lights.  Five-Sixty is a Wolfgang Puck restaurant and the whole thing rotates, so within an hour you can see the entire Dallas area.  I had always wanted to go and it’s really one of those places you go for a special occasion, so we used our anni as a good reason.  The view was stellar!

We had reservations but still had to wait about 30 minutes, so we went to the cocktail area.  Since I’m not knocked up, we had some tasty adult beverages.  I had a drink, which I cannot remember the name of, that was delish!  It had pear juice and ginger and rum and it was amazing and it was spicy!  A strange, back of the throat tingle that you don’t normally get in a drink.  I loved it.  Once we were seated, we were starving so we ordered a Dragon Roll from the sushi chef. After that I wish we had just ordered a few more sushi items instead of trying the entree menu.  The roll had shrimp, asparagus and BBQ eel and was delectable.  For dinner I tried the General Tao’s quail and The Hubs ordered the halibut.  I really went out of my comfort zone with the wild game but it was…good.  I think it should have had more of a kick since General Tao’s is usually a bit spicy so I was slightly bored with it.  The halibut had a few Thia shrimp that were really good and the spicy pineapple sauce that surrounded the hailbut was a nice compliment to a mild fish.  Overall, I wasn’t that impressed but I might have thought differently if we stuck to the sushi menu.

After mentioning how fast 2012 has gone I have to stop and realize that the past six years of being Mrs. J. L. Allen has really been amazing.  I seem to love the Hubs more each year, which I didn’t think was possible.  I always wonder how/why people end up divorced and I know there are a million different reasons but I seriously feel I found my exact match.  He loves me fiercely and I’m hard to love.  He will never give up on us and when we fight he’s almost always the first to apologize knowing how stupid stubborn I am.  He’s romantic, although not as much as he used to be, but more than most men.  Friends and family sigh at the small things he does for me.  Six years is a long time in my short life and I don’t even hesitate to imagine how much better it will get with him by my side. 

Hopefully one day soon, we’ll add a little Allen in the mix of our perfect-for-us marriage and it’ll be a perfect-for-us family. I saw Dr. Le with Advance Reproductive Care Center again on Tuesday.  There was a delay because, as I mentioned before, I just want to do the laproscopy surgery before we do an IUI.  We talked about it and he agreed since we’ve been trying for so long.  He said that my AMH (egg level before you run out) is awesome. Normal is >1.  Guess what Lindsey is….2.7!  He asked where I was in my cycle and decided to take a look at my follicles again.  He said everything was beautiful, the lining looked perfectly ideal, the follicle was at 24 cm (ideal is >18cm).  He did mention that since it was day 16 of my cycle that most people’s follicle would have burst by this point. He went ahead and gave me an Rx for Ovidrel again and I gave myself the shot on Tuesday.  Friday I start the progesterone again and on the 13th, I’ll try another pregnancy test.  I do not have my hopes up.  I honestly don’t think it has anything to do with timing, I think there is something else wrong. 

If it’s negative on the 13th, I wait for my period to start, schedule an appointment for pre-op and surgery is the next step. Dr. Le said he thinks I hold the key and he would like to take a look at the inside workings too. Fingers crossed, prayers needed.

Is It Good News or Bad News?

So we had our appointment at Advanced Reproductive Care Center on Sept 25th and guess what we heard…5 years is entirely too long to be trying to have a baby.

We saw Dr. Le and the consultation went well.  He explained what he thought out next steps should be, it went something like this:

1. Try a different drug (besides Clomid) called Femara.
2. Try the HCG hormone injection, Ovedril, again.
3. Try IUI’s before considering IVF. 

He also agrees that we should strongly consider surgery to look for endometriosis after 1 to 2 IUI tries (insurance covers a % of this…yay).  After that, if anything is found in surgery, continue trying another 1 or 2 rounds of IUIs and if we are still unsuccessful, consider IVF (<– insurance doesn't cover and would run us about $6,000). 

Also, because of where I was in my cycle on that Tuesday, he wanted to take a look at all the ‘lady goods’ and see what everything looks like.  He said that my cervix is tilted slightly, which could possibly be caused by endometriosis pulling it to the left.  He also sent me for an AMH blood work test to make sure I still have a good level of eggs.

When he took a look see, he said I had some good looking follicles (which burst the egg) and prescribed the HSG hormone shot ($90 a pop) and I went in for another ultra sound and the shot on that following Saturday.  Then some baby making over that weekend (Sun-Tues) and cross our fingers for two weeks. 
I’m happy with Dr. Le because he took the time to really talk to us, draw diagrams and showed us pictures, annnnnd he said 5 years is too long to be trying.  Which is good because that means he won’t and slow down the process.  We are ready to try everything ASAP. 

Wellllll that two week waiting period is up in two days.  I don’t feel pregnant.  I don’t feel any different at all.  Of course I ‘m looking for any type of symptom; sensitivity, fatigue, sore boobs…anything.  With that said, I don’t have my hopes up.  Normaal intercourse hasn’t worked over the past years, I doubt because we were able to narrow down the right timeframe, that it worked.  I mean seriously, over the past FIVE years I can guarantee that we’ve hit the ovulation timeframe before.  So we’ll be moving on to an IUI for the next cycle and if that doesn’t work…surgery it is.  Either way, prayers would be awesome.

Going For It.

So after my last post I actually communicated something along the same lines on another blog I belong to…it’s a super-secret-special blog.  Not really but we actually all met online through a website and most of us have met each other over the years (5 years at that!) and it’s a space where we lay it all out there for advice, constructive criticism, congrats whatever! No holds bar.  Anyhow, I put it out there and even though we are all in different places in our lives, three of the girls have babies (all three got pregnant with no problems within the last two years), one just graduated from law school and lives the fab life in NYC with her bf, another just got married, one is struggling in her marriage and wants desperately to even start trying to have a baby, another is waiting for her proposal, yet another is planning her fab southern wedding with her new-resident-doctor fiance and last but not least one friend is married but not-quite-ready for the first baby.  So we are all in different places and I felt that they might not relate….i.e., not married, no problems getting pregnant, doesn’t even want kids, etc. 

Boy was I wrong.  This is why I love these girls, they provided me with such great advice.  One particularly has a sister that was super high risk due to Type 1 diabetes and went through 2 cycles of IVF and I’m happy to say is about to pop any day now.  This wonderful woman wrote me this:

“Don’t feel like you’re cheating of not going to have the same guarantees as you might have – had you created baby “Alan” or “Allannah: Allen from scratch. Who’s to say (minus the catholic church) that this isn’t part of God’s plan too? I told my sister – God created the doctors and nurses and medicine, and programs.. and so on.. he has a hand in this too. I truly believe it. And it may seem weird/abstract and scientific now, but I know that when people find out that they are pregnant, (through IVF) it feels every bit as awesome.  One thing I think people over-use and almost abuse is the word “blessed”. And while I don’t think anyone does so intentionally, I think that to some people who at the time are going through personal struggles it causes us to ask “why me God?” On one hand I firmly believe we should always be grateful for what we have and that many times we don’t see the many wonderful things in front of us. Yet on the other hand I know my sister really struggled when ppl would say things (in regards to their own fertility or experiences with becoming pregnant) about “how blessed they were” Was she less blessed? Does God like them better so he gave them better blessings?? Was God saying maybe she shouldn’t be a mom? I know that ultimately everything is up to God. But I don’t think that it’s always at such a small level. If it was why would so many idiots be parents? Sometimes things just “are” and there isn’t a reason (that we see) maybe we look too hard for signs and reasons. I told my sis– “you are blessed. You have money, and insurance and a supportive family, and who’s to say that this isn’t YOUR path, and YOUR blessings.” We don’t know. And it seems like when great things happen we think it’s because we are blessed and we earned them. So when bad things happen we consequently thing that we are bad, and we earned them. Why do we do that to ourselves? We wouldn’t do it to other people? Nobody would say “Lindsey is struggling with ________ because she’s a rotten jerk.” Hopefully not.”

Man it hit home for me.  I don’t know if I was feeling guilty or pride full or what but what she said to me was what I needed to hear.  So as I mentioned before, we are going to meet the IVF doctors.  Specifically, I made an appointment for next Tuesday.  I feel I am going into it with an open mind and although it’s not good to get my hopes up…I’m hopeful.

New Approach?

The Hubs turned 33 last week.  Happy Birthday baby!!  This also initiated whole conversation about having kids…again.  For the millionth time. 

The question is now do we spend $34567890 dollars trying to do infertility treatments so I can actually be pregnant and have our own child, which is not even a guarantee, or do we adopt.  I can tell you my first wish is to have our baby.  I want to be pregnant.  I want to breastfeed.  I want to see what crazy combination God comes up with for the Hubs and I’s baby.  Boy or Girl? Red, blond or brown hair?  Straight or curly? Blue or green eyes? Tall or not?  I got to feel my friend’s, who is 9 months pregnant, baby girl kick and I actually thought I was going to cry…right there…with my hand on her belly.  It was pathetic crazy.

I am pretty desperate in that sense but I also have moral issues with IVF and creating a petri dish baby and then implanting it.  Additionally, it’s not a guarantee and it’s expensive.  So many people have success with it but there are plenty of others, 50% to be exact that don’t.  So it’s a total toss up.  Plus if we spend the thousands of dollars on that route, we will have to wait a while before we can even consider adopting because, financially, we’d be drained.

I turned another year old and so did the Hubs and we are really feeling the pinch.  Don’t get me wrong, I love my life.  Does everyone else have this much fun? Does everyone else’s calendars book up with invites months in advance? I have tons of friends who don’t have kids and even a few that aren’t even married yet but I still worry that time is running out.  With shows out there like Sex in the City where women are empowered and don’t have kids or don’t want kids until they are much older, you’d think I recongize that and just enjoy what’s happening and go with it…but that’s not me. I want to control EVERYTHING.  Grrrrr.

So now that we know what our options are we’ve decided to seriously look at IVF and what exactly it would cost us by setting up and appointment.  Now that we are in the DFW area we are going to visit the physicians www.ivfmd.com and see what they recommend.  Then we’ll hopefully make the best decision possible.  Wish us luck.

Terrible

Let’s just say I’m a terrible blogger.  I have much respect for people who do this for a living.  Although, if it was my j-o-b I’d probably be much better at it too.  Actually, I would rock it, as I do in all my other paying jobs.  Moving on.

I received a phone call from a dear dear friend with the wonderful news that she’s expecting.  It IS wonderful news and I AM happy for them.  Right?  Again, how the conversation goes in my head is something like….

“Wow.  Really?  It only took them a few months?  What the *#$@!  Wait, this is your bestie, of course you’re happy for them.  This isn’t faaaaaiiiirrrrr.  I’m excited for her.  Why not me?  Be happy for them Lindsey! Damn it…”

Tears usually follow.  Today I’m trying to be more positive because we just bought a boat.  Like, brought it home last night and plan to try and get out of work early to get it on the water.


pretty fancy huh?

Would I trade my boat in for a pregnancy?  You betcha.  I keep telling myself stuff like, “if I cannot have kids I might as well have toys”.  It helps.  A little.  It doesn’t help when the day after you bring it home, someone calls to tell you they’re pregnant.  And your still not.  BUT you have a boat…now it doesn’t sound as great.

We have been on hold to go back to Dr. Pilkington in San Antonio because of this whole move to DFW but I am going to need to schedule that appointment.  Maybe doing things like postponing appointments and buying a boat are an indicator that I don’t really want kids right now…?  I will admit that the trying part, I don’t like…especially when you have to try this hard.  It’s supposed to happen.  You grow up, do everything in the right order, i.e., graduate, get a college degree, meet a man, get married, buy a house, THEN have babies.  I did everything else right, why won’t this fall into place??

Lastly, it’s me.  Not the Hubs but me.  After following the Creighton Model and tracking my cycles, it shows that I track as someone who has fertility problems.  You think, duh…..but since three different OB-GYNs said I was totally healthy and the urologists said the Hubs was too, we were at a loss.  Not anymore.  It’s all me.  My mom has 5 sisters and two had slight difficulties getting pregnant but eventually had two babies a piece.  Dad’s side has 2 sisters that had no problems getting pregnant.  Maternal side cousins all have kids, as does the dad’s side.  How can I not get pregnant after 4.5 years???? Ugh.

Enough whining already.  It’s not in my hands.  Every other aspect of my life is going great.  I’m back in a city with so many close friends and family (although I do miss my family in Houston), my new job is going great, the Hubs’ new job is going great, we just bought a boat and life is good.

I leave you with the cutest picture of my newest nephew…


Michael Nicholas

Up Root

So my whole audience demographic is about to change.  Aaaaaahahahaha that is so funny to me because I don’t have more than 2 followers…and since I’ve sucked at blogging lately, I bet they’re barely following along anyways.

Anyhow, since the big move is happening my reviews of restaurants will move to the DFW area.  I’ll be honest, I’m pretty excited about getting back up there.  I’m not excited about the stress that finding a rental home (that isn’t ghetto) in an area that we like, is starting to do to me.  I’m supposed to start the Mucinex for my next two cycles and then we are to go in and see Dr. Pilkington again on May 8th.  I’m going to push that back because 1. I’m moving in the middle of all this and the hubs and I will be in two different cities which would be mean traveling to San Antonio (which isn’t one of the two cities we will reside in) will be too much.  2. If we are in two different cities how are we supposed to make a baby?  So with that revelation in mind, I need to call and reschedule for late June. 

Plus high stress does not equal ideal baby making Lindsey.  I’m a worry wort and a control freak and an obessive compulsive type person and a relocation multiplies all of my complexes quirks.

I don’t want to rush into surgery when we could possibly be patient and the Mucinex could work.  Wishful thinking?  Remaining positive is all I’ve got.

And the count down continues – NINE days until we hit the sunny shores of Playa Del Carmen!

Only scary thing is when we get back I still have to turn 30….ugh.

Hopeless

Well that about sums it up.  I took a test yesterday and got a big fat negative.  The crazy thing is with Ovidrel you have to be careful not to test too soon after the shot because you could get a false positive (it’s pregnancy hormones your shooting).  Nope.  No false positive.  The only thing is I tested at 3 weeks.  I’ll go ahead and do it again next Wednesday which would be 4 weeks but I am not holding out any hope. 

Stupid me for even thinking/wishing that it would come up positive. I’ve never wanted to do IVF so this was pretty much our last option.  We could do it again next month, which I think we will, but then that’s it.  We are done.  It’s time to accept it.

Super Sad from Houston.