Struggling


This little blog here started after our infertility journey had begun. It was a long journey, so that’s not surprising. I actually started writing prior to turning 30…which magically, I have still not done. #still28

Since the beginning of the infertility challenges, we kinda went through it all. Along the way we “passed” people that were lucky enough to not have to take all of the steps we took.

First, was trying for a year. At the time, we were young and all the numbers checked out fine so the docs said, “get.it.on”!! For the record, no doctor actually used that terminology. 

Next, was Clomid cycles. We actually had good friends that (at the same time) were successful using Clomid to get things going. I’ve read several blogs with other medical challenges (which we don’t have) who have also had success, multiple times, using Clomid.

There were months where we “stopped trying“, like so many people advised as well as months of holistic paths, which didn’t work either. As time went on and more invasive procedures and even exploratory surgeries to take a more aggressive approach, Dr. Le felt like we needed more intervention. Which ultimately lead to IVF and THANKFULLY The Nuggets.

That story has already been written though. My struggle comes from almost a jealous place. Forgive me Lord.  I hear people talk about infertility and I immediately think,”well what’s the story, because if it’s not like mine… then they had it “easy””.

I seem to forget I’ve also read stories about couples going through 4, 5, or 6 cycles of IVF and others who never conceive and I can only imagine they think my struggles were easy.

I want more children. At least one more but it’s not like everyone else and its not easy. I hoped we’d be one of those couples that, as Dr. Le put it, just had to get things going and would be able to conceive the old fashion way but alas, that has not been the case.

We have limited chances and I’m scared of what happens when those chances run out. Sometimes, I don’t accept my infertility and that it’s a problem. When no one can tell you why, it leads me to false hope.

I’m SO grateful for my Nuggets and I have to remind myself it’s not my story to write. God has written it already and it’s perfect.  If the boys are the completion to our family then I will learn to accept and cherish all I’ve been granted.

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Xoxo

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Busy Days

When I was a younger, I thought the SAHM gig was the easiest “job” on the planet. I mean you didn’t even have to work.

Luckily, now that I’m wiser, I went into this job knowing it was going to entail a lot of work. I still don’t know if I realized how busy I was going to be, truly.

I gave myself a break for the first month so I could try and get into a groove. Not a whole lot of expectations as to what I would accomplish. Laundry, dinner and keep my kids  alive. Not too hard.

Just those three things keep me pretty darn busy. Weston has had more bumps and bruises then he ever did with the nanny.  I asked The Hubs if I was doing a bad job or if we were just doing a lot more then they were able to do (i.e. park, splash pad, etc.)  The Hubs intelligently stated the latter.

These ideas I have of learning photoshop and improving my photography, designing printables and learning to sew. I have N O idea when I will fit these things into my schedule.

I have barely taken my good camera out of it’s bag…

Sewing machine still has dust on it.

I did design an invitation to a baby shower!  I was very proud.  It just took about 3 hours.  A graphic designer could have done it in 30 minutes.  I’m learning. BUT I go so irritated trying to get the sizing correct to order it via Staples, that I just ordered a customizable one from Tiny Prints.  It’s going to be great though.  Next time.  I’m confident that I could have also replicated the design from Tiny Prints.  So there’s that.

Getting dinner together with two little nuggets at your feet wanting to be picked up or saying “bite bite” repeatedly to anything I’m making. They do not care if it’s raw or 100° and would scald their little mouths.  They don’t even know what it is I’m preparing.  This is also where I’ve started allowing a little bit of TV time. If I didn’t , I’m sure I would never get dinner done. I would say that I’ve successfully made dinner 4 out of 7 days – eating leftovers on the off days. One week I miraculously made dinner every night and we actually ended up wasting a lot of food.

Don’t be fooled. The boys are only eating what we eat about 50% of the time. It’s always offered to them, to at least try it, but half of the time it’s a big fat NO.



I think cleaning the house pretty much fills up the rest of my time. When am I supposed to get those other activities done? Hell, I haven’t even written a post in 3 weeks!

Now that I’ve been a lazy bum and slept in (30 extra minutes), I need to start getting my butt out of bed. BEFORE the Nugs.  Otherwise, this is how I get ready…I have to distract them by “unlocking” a cabinet. Works for approximately 16 minutes.
Get dressed, fix my hair and get make up on in 16 minutes.  Ready…..set…..GO!

Target trips, park days and splash pads take up the rest of our time. I mean, we do have fun. 

Family from Thailand was in the states and that was a real treat.  We even got to check out the Dallas Cowboys Summer Football camp.  The boys will be eligible to attend at school age.  


This week has been a challenge because Corbin woke up from his nap with a fever on Sunday afternoon. My kiddos rarely get sick (pro to staying home). He was acting pretty normal but his fever stuck around until Tuesday, so we went to the doctor. Turns out it is strep throat. I would never have guessed based on his symptoms (or lack thereof) but the doc showed me the test strip. Poor guy. So this week we’ve been stuck inside and watching too much tube.

I am starting to find a good routine for us and I’m loving all the time together.  I’m finally content with how much time I spend with them and no longer dealing with all this self inflicted guilt.

Now to find time to do more!

XOXO

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Wishful Thinking

I’m beginning to think I might be getting good at this whole blogging thing.

I also might be getting ahead of myself.

Week two is going splendidly — being new to the SAHM gig.  The Nuggets have their days. Days where they whine incessantly.  Days where they just want to sit in my lap and snuggle (OMG how was I missing days like this before??). Days where they don’t nap well and they are just plain terrors.  Days where they eat and days where they don’t (not surprising).  The game changer is that I’m here with them for each day.  It’s amaze-balls.

I read a lot of blogs.  I read them because it helps me feel like I’m winning at this whole mom thing.  Sometimes, I’m bad about comparing myself to them (to which I NEVER match up) and I have to stop myself because everyone presents their best foot forward (me included).  But my kids are loved and, more importantly, alive at the end of each day so I consider that a W I N.

I read blogs for entertainment.  Some of these bias are hilarious.  I might crack myself up but dang, I enjoy laughing at others.

I also read blogs for advice.  There are A LOT of people out there that had kids before me, believe it or not.  They have lots of good advice to offer.  Yes, I can obtain advice from friends and family but it’s also nice to seek out “one sided” advice.  Meaning, I can pretty much find someone who will validate me in what I thought was right/correct/the best way to blah blah blah.  Yes, I like it when the world wide web agrees with me.   In all seriousness though, sometimes I just need a confidence boost.

I have like 20 followers and thats okay.  I write my blog for me.  I L O V E that other people read it and like it (or even hate it) but it’s for me and as long as the world doesn’t end — as it does in every book I’ve been reading lately… I miiiiight be a bit into dystopia fiction recently — the Nuggets might even be able to go back and read about their beautiful, yet nuts, Mama.

By the way, have I told you they are F I N A L L Y calling me Mama!?!?!??!?!?!!!!! It’s glorious.

So even though I am not perfect, I’ve got a great grasp on what I want out of my blog and I’m getting pretty good at it.

Now for what you and I really want:

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I should work on getting in front of the camera more often.  You know you want to see this face.

Who said I was perfect? 🙂

XOXO

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Home of the Free, Because of the Brave

There is a super cute shop I found on Insta that sells shirts that say that.  If I didn’t find exactly 1 million super cute shops on Insta, that didn’t already suck my pocketbook dry, I would totally purchase said shirts.

But in all reality, I feel like we constantly take what we have for granted.  The good ‘ol US of A is NOT perfect.  Far from it.  We still deal with entirely too many issues.  Race.  Equality.  Broken politics.  DEBT.

Not perfect.  Nope.

But, I haven’t lived in another country (doubtful that I will ever) and I think we’ve gotten a few things right.  For that, I am grateful that I was born here and will raise my children here.

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Happy Birthday to the USA and thank you to all the brave individuals that have served or serve to keep our country safe.

xoxo

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Headed for the Weekend

Hows it going, you’re wondering. This new SAHM role I started this week.

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It’s awesome. I kiss my nuggets all day long. They’re probably tired of it and I stopped to think if I’ll ever tired of it. The answer is,  no.

Corbin comes over to me and just sits in my lap. For no reason. Just to sit with me.  My heart fills.

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Weston is constantly trying to get my attention. If I’m distracted or playing with Cor, he will come right into my face and yell jibberish to make sure I am giving him my full attention.   My heart fills.

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These are tiny little things I didn’t get throughout the week.  I always ate up all the time spent with them on the weekends because it was precious.  Precious and short.  Friends would ask to scheduling things on the weekends, whether it be a movie or brunch and I would decline.  Work would ask me to “pop in” on the weekends and I would refuse.  It was impossible for me to give up my short 48 hours (Sat-Sun) with the Nuggets for anything.   My heart is bursting to have this amount of time with my boys.

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It was also an early bedtime tonight. Naps were waaaaay too short (good thing I didn’t have big plans this week) and that lead to fussy Nuggets. Weston would not touch his dinner and Corbin chunked his cup across the room, so hard is busted open and milk went everywhere. This is also where I mention that the only thing I accomplished during nap time was mopping the floors.  I finished this evening up in the pool.

So, as Wednesday comes to a close, my heart is super full.  It’s still weird for me.  The days are lost on me…I thought yesterday was Wednesday and the weekend has desire but much less than when I was part of the M-F/8-5 club.  It is a good reason to be lost in time though.

XOXO

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This Is It.

Tomorrow is my last day in the corporate world.  The job I currently have isn’t exactly corporate at all, so I guess I should say I’m leaving the “income earning” world.

There have been some interesting turn of events this week.  The company I work for actually lost the business at my account. Therefore, I would have actually lost my current job in about three weeks.  C r A z Y huh?  Thanks to the big Guy in the sky, I don’t have that level of stress to worry about what we would do.   Interesting how that worked out.

The company I work for would have found me another job, they offered several before I put my notice in, BUT it would have involved travel.

Since I am actually quitting my day job because I cannot find an acceptable balance between work-life and mom-life, that type of gig would never work for me.

So this is it.

I have plans to go to Office Max/Depot and purchase a giant dry erase board and line out my chore lists, dinner plans, swim lessons.  These plans include bringing my uber organized work-self and make myself a totally rock’n SAHM.  I have plans to learn how to sew.  Plans to craft.  Plans to DIY.  Let’s talk about these plans in about three months and see where I’m at with all of them.

I can’t believe it’s actually happening.

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The Hubs as a Daddy

My husband.

If you’ve ever met him, you like him.

When I met him, my best friend told me that he would be the “the nicest guy you’ve ever met“.  He has southern charm that I didn’t know before meeting him.  He was a total catch and I knew know it.

If you know our story at all, you know that becoming parents was not easy for us.  The Hubs and I were ready, pretty much immediately after our wedding.  We wanted to join the ranks of parents.  My girlfriends even took bet and had a pool going as to when we would get pregnant.  No one ever expects to be faced with infertility.

Five years later (nobody won the bet), when we found out we were having twins, The Hubs was ecstatic.  Took us long enough, might as well knock out two at once!

The Hubs rock-star-dad-status became apparent well before the Nuggets arrival.  The first pre-term labor scare, he didn’t leave my side at the hospital for five days.  He might have run home to grab a change of clothes but he slept on a horrible couch/poor excuse for a futon for 4 nights.  I was miserable and I imagine he was too but he was my rock.  At just 26 weeks , he looked me in the face and said, “these boys are NOT being born yet.”

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Fast forward a week and a half after getting released from the hospital and the maternal fetal specialist looked at me and said, “you’re going back to L&D“.  We were crushed.  Initially, they said I’d be on hospital bed rest for the remainder of my pregnancy.  That would be SO hard for The Hubs.  After four days of monitoring and stability, The Hubs and I begged the doctor to let me try bed rest at home.  They conceded but with strict orders to stay in bed.

The Hubs would make breakfast every morning, load a cooler with lunch and snacks for throughout the day and put it at the foot of our bed.  He would come home and cook my dinner and clean our house.  He would hang out with me in that dang bed for hours at a time, in the evenings and weekends.  His devotion is a testament to 1. our marriage and 2. what an awesome daddy he would be when the time finally came.

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Josh didn’t disappoint.  When the boys were born, I couldn’t get out of bed to change diapers due to my C-section and spinal.  He changed every disgusting meconium diaper the boys gave him.  He waited hand and foot on all three of us.  He drove me back and forth to the NICU and soothed my never ending tears.  He cheered me on when I pumped minute amounts of milk.  When the boys came home, he refused to sleep in another room while I dealt with boys throughout the night.  Which meant he got no sleep the first two months.  Which made him a bit crazy but he was set on being involved in all of the newborn glory.

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He cannot go to the grocery store without buying them another matchbox car.  When they were six months old, he brought home a bat, ball and two gloves.  He loves the Nugs and they love him.   When he walks in the door, they both lose it.  The Nugs start yelling, “Dada, Dada!”  Corbin will still jump out of my arms to try to get to him.

 
The Hubs is a fantastic dad.  It makes me love him that much more.  Happy Father’s day babe.

XOXO

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My Daddy

Father’s day is this Sunday.

I was at the store buying cards and was slightly irritated that I had to spend so much money on cards for all these dads in my life.  I shook my head at my own absurdity.  I’m LUCKY to be able to buy cards for several important men in my life.

The importance of The Hubs is a totally different subject, but at this moment, I want to talk about my daddy.  Yes,  I still refer to him as daddy.

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Funny actually because when I’m around the boys, I try to refer to The Hubs as Daddy and anytime I’m in the presence of both, The Hubs and my dad will answer me.

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My dad just celebrated his 64th birthday last week.  Since they live about four hours away, we were lucky enough to be together to celebrate.  Nothing too fancy but cake and a trip to the beach as a big family.

  
My dad is a pretty quiet guy.  He speaks quietly, laughs quietly and sometimes I have no idea how he tolerates the rest of us.  No one would describe my family as quiet.  No one.  He loves to read and cares deeply about his family.  All of us. Loud and bossy folks.

He works as a mechanic and has worked hard his entire life.  I cannot wait for him to be able to retire so he can enjoy life a little more.  Although, he will probably continue to work on cars because, unlike a lot of us, the work he does is the work he loves.

He wants to move to the country and live a quiet life (surprise, surprise).  My mom, not so much.  Maybe, one day, I can talk them into moving closer to us.

Happy Father’s day Daddy/Poppi.  You are loved fiercely.

  

Beach Exposure

Well our first trip to the beach went great.  It could have been longer. Who ever wants to come back from vacation but ours was entirely too short!

We left on Wednesday to head down to my parents’ house (outside of Houston).  The boys did really well on the drive.  I thought we could time it right with nap time and they would sleep for a few hours.

Nope.  They fell asleep within 10 minute of hitting the road and woke up about 30-45 minutes later.  Which made for a lonnnng ride for them (and us).  Surprisingly they did really well and we didn’t have any major meltdowns.

My parents finally updated to smart phone within the last year (I’m a proud daughter) but kept their old phones.  The boys were obsessed with said phones.
 My niece, who doesn’t get nearly enough time with her cousins, was loving on these boys every chance she got.  She was also very helpful by letting me know if they were getting into something.

 We headed to the coast on Thursday morning.  After a stop at Cracker Barrel on the way down, full bellies lead to Corbin passing out again.  I think he struggles the most with dropping that morning nap.

Thursday just involved settling in to the Blue Wave beach house (via Home Away) and enjoying the weather and food.  If you’re ever interested in staying in the Galveston Texas area, the house location couldn’t be more perfect and it’s loads more cost effective than hotels if you have a large group.

Corbin with his Uncle Kyle

Friday we were up and ready to hit the beach ASAP.  The weather was iffy the entire time we were scheduled to be there so, as long as it wasn’t raining, I wanted to get as much time in at the beach as possible.

Galveston was actually quite surprising.  The beaches were nice, the water was as good as it gets and the weather was high 80’s.  It was ideal.

 The boys really liked all of it.  Some kids don’t like the sand that sticks to their hands or the salty ocean water.  Not my Nugs.  They loved it all.

 Big thanks to Momo for all her help.

We headed back for naps and they crashed out for three solid hours.  We went back to the beach, more family arrived and we all really enjoyed ourselves.  Gorged ourselves on beach time.

Unfortunately, the weather on Saturday was poo.  We didn’t end up getting to the beach until almost 4:30 due to the rain and we were only there for about 40 minutes before everyone was hungry.  All of a sudden it was Sunday and it was time to pack up and head home.

See what I mean when I say it was too short?  The weather rained on my parade (literally) and now I want a do over.  Good thing it’s only June and we have several more months of warm weather!

XOXO

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