Let’s just say I’m a terrible blogger.  I have much respect for people who do this for a living.  Although, if it was my j-o-b I’d probably be much better at it too.  Actually, I would rock it, as I do in all my other paying jobs.  Moving on.

I received a phone call from a dear dear friend with the wonderful news that she’s expecting.  It IS wonderful news and I AM happy for them.  Right?  Again, how the conversation goes in my head is something like….

“Wow.  Really?  It only took them a few months?  What the *#$@!  Wait, this is your bestie, of course you’re happy for them.  This isn’t faaaaaiiiirrrrr.  I’m excited for her.  Why not me?  Be happy for them Lindsey! Damn it…”

Tears usually follow.  Today I’m trying to be more positive because we just bought a boat.  Like, brought it home last night and plan to try and get out of work early to get it on the water.

pretty fancy huh?

Would I trade my boat in for a pregnancy?  You betcha.  I keep telling myself stuff like, “if I cannot have kids I might as well have toys”.  It helps.  A little.  It doesn’t help when the day after you bring it home, someone calls to tell you they’re pregnant.  And your still not.  BUT you have a boat…now it doesn’t sound as great.

We have been on hold to go back to Dr. Pilkington in San Antonio because of this whole move to DFW but I am going to need to schedule that appointment.  Maybe doing things like postponing appointments and buying a boat are an indicator that I don’t really want kids right now…?  I will admit that the trying part, I don’t like…especially when you have to try this hard.  It’s supposed to happen.  You grow up, do everything in the right order, i.e., graduate, get a college degree, meet a man, get married, buy a house, THEN have babies.  I did everything else right, why won’t this fall into place??

Lastly, it’s me.  Not the Hubs but me.  After following the Creighton Model and tracking my cycles, it shows that I track as someone who has fertility problems.  You think, duh…..but since three different OB-GYNs said I was totally healthy and the urologists said the Hubs was too, we were at a loss.  Not anymore.  It’s all me.  My mom has 5 sisters and two had slight difficulties getting pregnant but eventually had two babies a piece.  Dad’s side has 2 sisters that had no problems getting pregnant.  Maternal side cousins all have kids, as does the dad’s side.  How can I not get pregnant after 4.5 years???? Ugh.

Enough whining already.  It’s not in my hands.  Every other aspect of my life is going great.  I’m back in a city with so many close friends and family (although I do miss my family in Houston), my new job is going great, the Hubs’ new job is going great, we just bought a boat and life is good.

I leave you with the cutest picture of my newest nephew…

Michael Nicholas

One thought on “Terrible

  1. Natalie June 20, 2012 / 5:51 PM

    woohoo, new boat! I hope God answers your baby prayers soon. Hugs from Houston!

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